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mocha #9 + cherry (?) - 'girl things'

Author: hi_falootin
Prompt: mocha 9. look, but don't touch
Topping: cherry? (see note)
Word Count: 933
Rating: PG (sex talk, but fairly innocent)
Notes: Hey, it's a story with Malila like I promised :D I want to give myself a cherry for this one because it's in 1st person from DEE'S POV and that was actually kind of weird to write since this the first time I've done it (Dee works better in 3rd person for me). I'm still afraid her POV isn't different enough from Jason...idk, will you guys tell me the voice is too ambiguous?

"Malila." I shake the magazine at her playfully, pointing to a line of hot pink text on the cover. "Are you a diva in the bedroom?" Sometimes, Dee would rather not be understood.

"Mosi's really into frogs right now," Malila tells me, an explanation for why, at their door, I'm greeted by three dead, dry toads lined up on the entryway table.

"I swear," says Malila, "that kid could find anything in the desert."

She says, "Look, they're all perfectly preserved!" Like she's proud.

I'd rather not look, really. They don't gross me out or anything; I'm just not that into frogs. I find something else to stare at instead; a photograph of Malila and Mosi in what must be San Francisco (I've never seen the Golden Gate bridge in person, but everyone knows what it looks like). They're both wearing windbreakers and grinning.

"That's from last year," says Malila.

"You guys are so cute," I say lightly, "You look so much alike."

"You think?" Malila laughs. "Mom says we're like night and day. You know, cause I'm dark and Mosi's light."

"Umm, I guess," I say. Malila's skin is the color of a Hershey's bar; her sister's just sort of tan. And Malila wears her hair in baby-dreadlocks while Mosi's hangs straight down her back. I'd feel awkward saying anything more; I'm so white, my whole family's so white.

"You wanna come hang out in my room?" Malila asks.

"Sure." I try to peer into the kitchen. "Is your mom home?"

"No, I think she's shopping. And Dad's still at work. Sorry you haven't got a chance to meet him yet."

"It's okay," I say, following her to her room. Malila's room is very green, with jungle posters of big cats and large-leaved house plants. Her bedspread has a blue and green leaf print on it, and we flop across it on our stomachs; double beds still seem big to me after years of sleeping in a cramped trailer. She has a Cosmopolitan sitting on her pillow so I grab it and look at the cover. It's some celebrity I think I recognize, but I'm not sure.

"That magazine is so dumb!" Malila says, like she thinks I'm judging her. She must think I'm going to ask her why she has it then, because she amends that with, "I guess some of the articles are okay."

"Christine gets it. You know, my aunt."

"Yeah, yeah, I remember. I can see that."

"Malila." I shake the magazine at her playfully, pointing to a line of hot pink text on the cover. "Are you a diva in the bedroom?"

"Ew, no!" She laughs nervously; she might be blushing, but I can't tell.

"Is it a quiz?" I ask, flipping to page 37 find out here!.

"Come on, don't read that! Dee!"

"Okay, fine, geez." I let the magazine close. "It was probably stupid anyway."

Malila's looking at the closed Cosmo, her eyebrows furrowed. "Um, Dee...you're...I mean, you haven't, right?"

I briefly wonder if I've missed something and say, "Haven't what?" about a second before I realize what she's asking me. Then I say, "Oh!"

But she's still looking at me expecting an answer and I wonder if I should maybe change the subject. But I don't want Malila to think I'm embarrassed or anything so I look her in the eye and say, "Actually yeah, I've done it."

"Oh." She looks too surprised to be embarrassed when she says, "Well, I haven't."

"That's good though," I say quickly, the words just coming out of my mouth before I have time to figure out if I sound patronizing or not. "Seriously. My dad always said you should wait. You're only fifteen."

The corner of Malila's mouth twitches and I find myself staring at her lips. "Yeah, so're you," she says. "So um...did you feel...different? After?"

"Uhh..." I look away from her; conveniently there's a window for me to stare out. "Not really. I mean, I thought it would be a big deal. This is stupid, but I remember that like, after I did it...well, we had to take these class pictures. And we were all lining up and I remember thinking, this is the first picture of me where I'm not a virgin. And like, wondering if I'd look different somehow, if anyone would be able to tell." I chance a small look in her direction. "Stupid, right?"

Malila shrugs. "I guess." At least she's honest. I start to worry that maybe that's all she's going to say and I'm going to have to come up with a way to steer the conversation back to Mosi's frogs or something, but then she asks, "Were you scared?"

"Um, not really. I was more excited. I guess I thought it would be glamorous or something." She smiles at me and I can't help smiling back. "It wasn't. Honestly."

"It's just," she says, "there's this stupid thing where like, boys think it's all exciting because everyone always says how awesome it is for them. But when you're a girl, it's supposed to be all scary and painful..." She gets this little wrinkle between her eyebrows and her lips twist into a pout. "And that just seems so unfair! You know?"

I feel like I should agree or say something intelligent but I'm suddenly so damn distracted just staring at Malila's face and her mouth and I realize I just really, really want to lean over and kiss her. And then I'm like where did that come from?

"I mean," says Malila, "that makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," I say. I force my eyes away; I look down at my hands, my bitten-short fingernails, all the blue polish almost chipped away. "It's totally unfair."

And, yeah...that's all...for now...:O


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 24th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
Hurray, I was looking forward to reading more about these girls!

I think Dee's perspective is sufficiently different from Jason's. This conversation felt very authentic to me, especially where Dee is describing how she had her school picture taken after losing her virginity ("this is the first picture of me where I'm not a virgin"). And, as usual, your attention to detail ("my bitten-short fingernails, all the blue polish almost chipped away") is wonderful!

My only critique is that occasionally the sentences get a bit clunky/unclear. For example, I like the sentiment in this passage: "'That magazine is so dumb!' Malila says, like she thinks I'm judging her. She must think I'm going to ask her why she has it then, because she amends that with, 'I guess some of the articles are okay,'" but I think it could flow a little more smoothly. I'm sure it's something you could fix in a couple of minutes. :)

Well done, kiddo!
Oct. 24th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
ahhh, this is an awesome comment, thank you, thank you! :D :D That sentence you cited is pretty awkward, so I'll need to think about fixing it...right now I'm in WRITEWRITEWRITE mode since I'm gearing up for nanowrimo so I've been kind of bad about editing XD

right now I've got this ridiculous AU future idea which I kind of want to bang out before November starts >) should be fun!

Oct. 24th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, nicely done! You're definitely on a roll with awkward, but that makes for good reading for us. I thought the conversation was believable, and Dee's POV definitely seems different from Jason's to me, too.

Keep writing! :D
Oct. 24th, 2008 09:28 pm (UTC)
thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying the awkward lol.
Oct. 25th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
Oou, I like it. I like Dee's thoughts and her interaction with Malila. Malila is a very cool character.

Oct. 25th, 2008 05:48 pm (UTC)
thanks! I'm glad you like her!
Oct. 25th, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
The first line really made me laugh! This was a really sensitive and nicely detailed conversation. Really well done, and interesting. I'd say Dee works great in 1st person :)
Oct. 26th, 2008 02:26 am (UTC)
yay! I had to go back and see what the first line was, but I'm glad you liked it--I swear it was in my head for like a week for some reason! Thank you :D
Jan. 5th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
The first piece between Dee and Malila I read and I like them together, especially because Malila seems so unaware of Dee's feelings that you handle very well. You don't hit us over the head with them, they are just very natural and when they come up it feels right and not forced.

Oh, and it is sooo unfair.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


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